Wow

lol i accidentally signed onto my old blogger account and wrote onthat.. wierd.. anyway i was just saying that i have been a busy busy girl.. updates will be happening here and there.. yay fun.

how much

more emotional crap do i need to put myself through? really im just about done. i feel like giving up completely. i feel empty.

exhausted

There is just so much going on and so much to do. Im exhausted, all I want to do is sleep. I cant stand to go out anymore but I make myself do it. ugh

as much as i adore her

I think shes a fucking idiot... and no B this is not about you <3 totally about someone else..

Im curious.

That is all. :P

why

why did i even bother,
why did i even care,
you crept back into my heart,
and you left me with out a care.

you used me and abused me,
with out a single touch
there was nothing there.
I was your puppet.
you stood there

there was nothing there.

id rather not admit

that im a little hurt...

days

There were days i held on to,
days i wish would come back,
days where i felt lost with out you
days where i couldnt stand to be around you

You took those days and broke them
you took them and you drowned them
you faded them out with your ignorance
and slowly pushed me down

You there.

Stop fucking confusing me.. Thx

field

There is a field and I'm going to play in it.. why.. because I can

honesty

its not something you come by easily from people. which sucks when you expect it from people you care about the most. why do people make things so difficult.

Im done

with really giving a crap about much of anything but the kids right now... deactivated accounts... and limiting who i talk to... yeah.. im just... i cant do it anymore

...

words to speak that cant be spoken,
 i admit these days i feel more broken.

I feel like

I have a different outlook on some stuff... Seems things, no matter how big or small, allow a little bit of clarity..

Its hard

To think that there could ever be a man out there who would be willing to not only be with me, but also take on the task/ responsibility of what comes with being with me. I really feel like I'll be on my own. I dont need a man to define me but I would be happy to have the companionship and love and the willingness to go through lifes challenges with me. Even if some of those challenges arent their own. Maybe one day. Who knows

I think

That Rick ruined my ability to ever really open up again.  Its going to take me forever to be able to get past the crap he put me through.. while I wont easily admit that to everyone. I figured I may as well say it.

Im too scared to let my guard down.

really

I DONT FUCKING GET why people expect me to always do favors for them, when they know I have my own shit to deal with.

night air

cool against your skin
tears streaming down your face
frightened, faltered and faded
facing unknown demons.

bring me hope
bring me joy
bring me life

darkness is eluding
pain is deceiving
faith can be relieving
but the night air is soothing

find me faithless
find me heartless
find me free

:)

amazing weekend.

a friend said to me

That people come into your life at different times in your life for a reason and its really cool she sees things like that because I have the same view in life. And its important to embraces that especially when the vibe you receive from them is a positive one.  After having a number of negative vibs run through me like a freight train. The number of positive and inspiring people that are trailing into my life has been AMAZING. Im really very lucky right now. I am... Thank you... and thanks DB for saying that :)
I feel inspired.

bottle it up?

its getting to that point.
it might break but whatever

Its interesting

How you go through life facing a great deal of obstacles and finding yourself always making it through.  Im really hoping that after all these years of very tumultuous trials.   That I can work on making my life a little more balanced.  Its exhausting having to always have your guard up. And Im really working on letting some of those walls down. 

clarity

When you find a moment of doubt.
You think to yourself asking
if you thought it would move any farther a long.

This doubt is followed
with the simplest of things.
That remind you of the silent clarity
that stands.

Your eyes forward.
You remind yourself
that the doubt will always be shortlived.

maybe

Maybe, it is just what it is...

I am

Such a nerd. Just because of my stupid emotions... and things I never know how to say! arg

Broken

This was poem I wrote a few weeks after my husband and I first split.

Broken

By Gina Ram · Wednesday, October 13, 2010

You broke my spirit.
You broke my heart.
Everything around me
seemed to fall apart.

You broke promises.
You broke them from the start
Your love consumed me.
Blinding my heart.

I was lost with out you,
or so I thought.
Ive found my way,
fixing what you tore apart.

My memories are fading
these scars are not
Constant reminders
of the battle I fought.

stop

when do you stop asking yourself
all the questions that run through your mind
when do you stop to think
about all the thoughts that run through your mind.

you face your demons
you chase them away
your constantly wondering
if there could be another way.

one day it needs to stop
you need to enjoy the silence.
take a deep breath
rid yourself of the constant chaos.

stop and take a look around
your still breathing,
still living,
still loving.
you're doing exactly what you need to do.

Tonight

I just think it really sucks to sleep alone. 
 I miss the warmth, the affection,
 just the sense of being held.